A Very Preview Christmas

In fact, we’ve heard there is a sex tape. It hasn’t leaked yet, but we spoke to the cameraman—yes, cameraman—who recorded Shawn and Ivy. “It was late, we were all crashing after a night in the club, Ivy was kissing on Shawn—she can’t keep her hands off him when they’re alone, and with everyone passed out or gone home, they might as well have been. I was half-asleep, but hearing Ivy moaning like she was… you could’ve fooled me who was Catwoman, because he had her purring like a kitten. I lifted my head and they must’ve heard me, because Shawn looked over my way and said “yo, wanna see something?” Then he pulled Ivy’s tit out of her blouse. I couldn’t believe it, but Ivy was totally down with it. They started kissing again with it just hanging out there!”

Looks like Ivy has a bit of an exhibitionist streak. Who would’ve guessed it; she only dresses like she’s at a Victoria’s Secret show! “So I take out my phone, figure I’ll take a quick shot, just to be crazy. I don’t know, I was buzzed. But Ivy notices. She spins around on Shawn, so she’s on her lap but with her back to him, you know, and she starts looking at me as she grinds on him. I mean, she was giving him a lapdance. Shawn asked me if I was filming it and I was like, fuck, dude, I am now! And they just kept going at it! It got to the point where he just bent her over and started spanking her, but that wasn’t enough, yo, she was calling out to me, I almost thought she wanted me to join in and I don’t stick my dick in crazy, but she wanted me to come closer. She wanted me to get a better angle on her!”

Okay, Roger Ebert, but how was the movie? Three stars or should we wait for the Director’s Cut? “They really went at it. He had barely stuck it in before she was asking for it in the ass. I couldn’t believe how much of it she took, too. And it took a while, too. I spent a few minutes just pointing it at her face while she talked about how much she loved having his cock in her ass, how no one else could fuck her so deep, how she needed a big dick from behind to fuck her to sleep. She had no fucking shame. Talked all kinds of shit. ‘Fuck me in the ass for Christmas, fuck me like I’m in a donkey show.’ I had to go to the bathroom to bust one out after they were done, and I still feel lucky I didn’t come in my pants.”

No shit, bro, we’re gonna need to put on a condom before we watch that leak. Not that we would, of course. But hey, does that sound quite like the man-eating vixen we know and pay ransom to? Because we’re a paragon of journalistic integrity, we talked to one of Ivy’s former parole officers, and after we promised to send him a link to that sex tape the moment we got it (not really), he had a lot to say.

“Ivy puts on a big show of hating men, but it’s cuz she can’t stand how into them she is. You flop a big cock in front of her, she’ll go crazy for it, so naturally she talks all big and bad about how she doesn’t like ‘em cuz she’s all ashamed of herself. I saw her throw herself at the janitor once when I was running late for a talk a ours. She musta gotten bored, figured he was packing, so she pulled him into a broom closet. She came out, we ran through our meeting, her doing her usual spiel about how sexist it was for the system to make a woman kowtow to a male, cuz it’s my fault I have gonads and was assigned her case. And all the while, she’s got cum in her hair. I thought it was a hairclip for a while.”

Hey, Mr. Sanitation Engineer, tell us how tight she was and we’ll give you a free subscription for life. And is she shaved? The people have a right to know!

Then there’s those tweets Ivy accidentally sent publicly. They were deleted tout suite, but we’d love to see her Snapchats.

TheRealworldsavor: Fuck, nothing like good dick in the middle of the night. #sleepover

TheRealworldsavor: I thought he was all fucked out when I tucked him in it, then I got fucked awake at 2 AM. #wakeupcall

TheRealworldsavor: I must’ve been having a wet dream, because he went right in. I was coming before I got my eyes open. 

TheRealworldsavor: Usually I’d maim a guy for that, but the dick was too damn good. I had to let him have it. #halfavirgin #pornstar

TheRealworldsavor: Came so deep inside me there wasn’t even a wet spot. #buyanept

TheRealworldsavor: Went right back to sleep after he finished, too. For some reason that turned me on even more. #dollabillonthecounter

TheRealworldsavor: Some girls don’t like being used like that, but it’s different when a guy uses the shit out of you.

TheRealworldsavor: Got me so horny I had to return the favor. Sucked him right back awake, got him hard when even he thought he couldn’t get it up again. #inspirational

TheRealworldsavor: I let him fuck me in the ass as a reward for being such a good boy. #nosittingdownonthejob

TheRealworldsavor: THAT left a wet spot, but by then I was too fucking tired to move. 

TheRealworldsavor: I slept on it and thought, fuck, that’s how it would feel if I went to sleep after he came in my face. #cleanpores

TheRealworldsavor: Which was almost enough to make me go again, but even a titjob wouldn’t get him up. #ineedathreesome

TheRealworldsavor: I ended up sleeping on his lap, jerking him off a little as I cooled down. #blessed

C’mon, Ivy, that could be anyone! Yeah, sorry about burying the lead, but you might call this late-breaking news. One thing’s for sure—whoever Ivy’s new beau is, finally she’s the one getting fucked for a change. Give her one for us, stud; maybe all it took to get her to stop growing giant vines through Old Gotham was getting laid.