Just thoughts to say

Hello everyone, I just want to express how I feel, I guess many of you are already aware of what happened recently, if not I will explain it anyway, a couple of days ago I made a request on Eris where one of the ref images I was given was a drawing made by another artist (I don't think he wants to be mentioned) and I was told to preferably do that pose and expression, which I proceeded to comply and ended up making a copy with vague variation, he expressed his dissatisfaction when he found out, he made me see my mistake and gave me to think about myself and see my current state, at first I did not see it all clear but by exchanging messages with him I was seeing more how bad I was and what I was doing, as I have worked for a while. For a long time I felt that I was mediocre in everything I do but I did not see what, I refused to see it, the only thing I did was to fulfill orders as if I were a machine, the only thing I looked at in the request and commissions was that I have to do and I followed it without question, it was too automatic a process.

Having to make 25-27 request, 3 comm and 5 randoms own works (actually finish a 14 pages comic) all within each month made me obsessed with time, I had to do it fast and move on to the next, I followed everything to the finger and I was limited to be complacent, this together with the depression that I currently have created a cycle that I could not get out, although I have no harmful thoughts I no longer feel much joy for things, I have not enjoyed drawing or seeing other drawings as before, I only see it as one more job, one more order to fulfill, leaving aside the important thing which was my own drawing, also my personal life sucks, I practically don't leave the house anymore except for a few exceptions when I am forced to do it, I spend from 9 to 24 hours doing complacent drawings and the rest is eating and sleeping.

I think this scolding was the push I needed to realize how bad I was, I needed someone to tell me that I was doing it wrong, sadly this caused this person to have a bad moment of anger, I sincerely thank him for that wake up call, it gave me to think and see the pit I was in, I have realized that if I want to improve my drawing I must first improve myself.

From now on I will stop looking at the time and see more what I want, let it take as long as it has to take and get out of this cycle, I will accept any kind of hate you have and I will carry it, I will not give up, now I think I will start taking walks, socialize more and clear my mind.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day.