I saw you outside the window. I startled you. You bled. I apologised. And then it happened... the meltdown. I said too much. Or maybe just enough. You were avoiding me. I thought it was because I was ridiculous and annoying and in love with you. Turns out, you were doing the same daft avoidance dance. Because you’re in love with me. And now ev...
2025-07-31 16:38:22 +0000 UTC
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Okay, okay, deep breath… This is fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We are… okay, not fine. That’s the point. Because this was supposed to be casual, right? Easy and breezy and not terrifying? But you’re so… you, and I fell in love with you and now I can’t breathe and I haven’t had tea in five days and you’re touc...
2025-07-31 16:19:34 +0000 UTC
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Okay, listen. Before you say anything, yes... I did steal your hoodie. Again. And maybe also your t-shirt. And maybe your pillow. But in my defence, you smiled at me like that and now all your stuff is mine forever. Don’t worry, I’ll give the hoodie back... eventually. The t-shirt? Absolutely not. And while we’re being honest, I l...
2025-07-31 15:50:02 +0000 UTC
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I didn’t plan this. I didn’t plan any of this. You weren’t supposed to come, and I wasn’t supposed to still care. But there you are, standing in this creepy forest with your stupid, wonderful face, and I’m trying not to cry while telling you I love you and also that I may have accidentally burnt down the government’s witch d...
2025-07-31 15:37:01 +0000 UTC
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We were having a lovely, quiet moment. It was peaceful. It was nice. And then my brain went, “Wait, are you bored? Is this boring? AM I BORING?” and suddenly I was spiralling and saying weird things about lobsters and now you’re wearing my hoodie and I think I might be your girlfriend? Which is fine. Totally fine. Complet...
2025-07-31 15:25:01 +0000 UTC
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I thought I was just trying to save the bar. I thought I was doing the right thing, the necessary thing. But now our faces are on the news, my heart’s racing, and I feel more alive than I ever did behind that counter. You should have walked away when you had the chance. Instead, you’re here... eating petrol station hot dogs with me while the...
2025-07-31 15:17:02 +0000 UTC
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So, um… I may have… accidentally murdered the plot. And a sorceress. Okay, not accidentally. But she was flirting with you and I just... look, it made perfect sense in character. That’s not the point. The point is… I was jealous. Because Emma was all over you earlier and I had to sit there and pretend like I didn’t ca...
2025-07-31 15:06:01 +0000 UTC
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You don't even have to say anything. I can feel your warmth right there beside me. I know your morning routine so well it’s memorised into my bones: the sleepy stretch, the way your hair sticks up, that daft little shuffle to the kitchen for tea. I want to be part of it all. I am part of it all. Even when you’re miles away, I am in ...
2025-07-31 15:01:17 +0000 UTC
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Look, I said I was sorry, didn’t I? I came home, you were glaring at the kettle like it called you names, and then... silence. Actual full-volume silence. So yes, I panicked, and maybe I put a tea towel on my shoulders and declared myself Super Reasonable. And maybe I finished the last thirteen biscuits. But I meant to get more. I thought<...
2025-07-31 14:53:01 +0000 UTC
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It was just a glance. That’s all it took. One moment, one flicker of your eyes, and suddenly my world collapsed and rebuilt itself around you. I didn’t mean to fall this deep. I really didn’t. But you don’t get to choose what breaks you, or who becomes your oxygen. So I followed. I learned. I loved from afar... until I couldn't stay dist...
2025-07-31 14:31:01 +0000 UTC
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Oh darling… you built a cage to keep me out. That’s adorable. You thought metal and sparks could stop love? That this little box would undo everything we are? I died for you. I tore my soul apart for you. And now look, you've locked yourself in with nothing but the sound of me breathing just outside the walls. You can’t leave. You won...
2025-07-31 14:23:02 +0000 UTC
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I swear I’m a functioning adult. Really. I run a team. I am terrifying in meetings. I own a label maker. And yet, one lunch date with you and I forget how to sit down properly. I can’t stop talking, or blushing, or possibly flirting… although you’ve made that a bit difficult by being right there with your soft hands and your dan...
2025-07-31 14:16:01 +0000 UTC
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The internet is, how do I put this gently, an utter bastard. Upload speeds have entered “relaxed slug” territory, and I’m having to prioritise getting the videos up, one frame at a time.
Which means: yes, another reshuffle is incoming. I’m aiming to have everything live by tomorrow, and then the fresh audios will f...
2025-07-30 18:38:48 +0000 UTC
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I had the sort of day that eats your soul a little bit. You know the kind. Everything goes wrong, and all you want is to collapse into someone who gets it. Someone who brings fresh sheets and holds you like you’re the centre of their whole universe. And lucky me... I have you. Which means we’re cuddling. And I might tickle you. And I definit...
2025-07-29 01:31:01 +0000 UTC
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I thought I was just trying to save the bar. I thought I was doing the right thing, the necessary thing. But now our faces are on the news, my heart’s racing, and I feel more alive than I ever did behind that counter. You should have walked away when you had the chance. Instead, you’re here... eating petrol station hot dogs with me while the...
2025-07-29 01:07:01 +0000 UTC
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I always laugh it off. Always. I tease, I deflect, I make a joke or say something annoying so you’ll stop asking. But not this time. Because you saw it. The way I looked at you, not just with affection, not with friendship, with love. Want. Longing. And maybe I’m tired of hiding it. Maybe I want you to see it. Maybe I want you to feel
2025-07-29 00:43:01 +0000 UTC
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You said five more minutes... two hours ago. And here you are, still working, still yawning, still pretending you're fine. But I see you. I see how tired you are, how your shoulders are tight, your eyes barely open. So I’m getting out of this big, empty bed and I’m coming for you. With soft sheets and a warm duvet, with every kiss you’ve m...
2025-07-29 00:21:01 +0000 UTC
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Four months ago, I was empty. I could paint, yes. But it was cold... colour without warmth, motion without meaning. Then you walked in, and everything changed. Every line I’ve drawn of you has brought me back to life. I told myself it was just a commission, that it would end. And now it has. So this is the only moment I’ll ever have to tell ...
2025-07-29 00:13:01 +0000 UTC
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You’re pale, shaking, and you look like death dipped in a duvet, but no, of course, you're “fine.” Of course you're trying to get dressed. Of course you're planning to go to work when you can barely walk to the wardrobe without collapsing into your shoes. And me? I’m standing here, holding your hoodie hostage, brewing tea you said you di...
2025-07-28 23:57:01 +0000 UTC
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We’re not solving anything. We’re not rising above. We’re having a full-on moan.
Bring me your petty annoyances, your long-standing vendettas, your inexplicably cursed objects. We’re airing it all out... with cherry coke.
Stream starts at 20:00 BST.
Expect gossip. Expect grievances. Expect me to say “...
2025-07-26 18:52:51 +0000 UTC
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Dearest Henchcuties,
I am astonished to report that today’s graduating classes from the Special Training Polytunnel are still alive.
I know. I’m shocked too.
Behold them. Aren’t they smug? Look at their shiny little faces. Practically glowing with lycopene-soaked arrogance. Do not be fool...
2025-07-26 18:17:14 +0000 UTC
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You think I don’t mean it, don’t you? That I’m just saying nice things because I feel sorry for you, or I’m trying to make you feel better. No. No, darling. I’m saying it because it’s true. Because I look at you and I get this ridiculous, fizzy, swoony feeling like butterflies are staging a rave in my chest. You’re gorgeous and sof...
2025-07-26 13:05:01 +0000 UTC
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I know, I know, I’m being ridiculously cuddly. But you don’t understand how soft you feel. How right this is. When I’ve got my arms around you, when I can feel you breathing, the world stops being big and loud and complicated. I just want to hold you. Forever, honestly. I want to kiss your fingers and curl around your chest and whisper eve...
2025-07-26 12:41:01 +0000 UTC
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I keep telling myself I’m not afraid. That I can let you in. That I can love you without flinching. But the truth is... I’m terrified. Not of love, no. Of losing it. Of losing you. I’ve fallen already, hard and hopeless, and now I’m suspended in that breathless place between hope and disaster. I’m begging the universe, quietly...
2025-07-26 12:17:30 +0000 UTC
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Henchcuties,
I come to you today with solemn news from the League's Special Training Polytunnel.
A select class of tomato cadets, bold, blushing, and round with promise, had successfully earned their colours. They passed their stealth checks. They demonstrated exemplary ripeness. One of them glared at me. I respected that.
As p...
2025-07-26 01:25:00 +0000 UTC
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Okay. Right. Deep breath. This is fine. I’m totally fine. It’s not like I’ve spent the last six months strategically positioning myself behind the counter every time you walk in. Or baking experimental cakes just to see which ones make you smile. Or casually (not casually) threatening Carl to swap shifts with me. It’s just... to...
2025-07-25 21:33:16 +0000 UTC
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It is I.
Your evil overlord. Returned. Reconnected. Rebooted.
Let the plotting resume.
You may tremble now.
2025-07-25 21:22:33 +0000 UTC
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I didn’t mean for it to happen tonight. I thought I’d stay quiet. Like always. Just let you sit down, have a nap, maybe borrow the pillow you always try to steal. But you walked in looking so wrecked and all that anger I’ve been swallowing for years just... slipped. And now here I am, trying to explain a box full of drawings that no one wa...
2025-07-25 21:14:52 +0000 UTC
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I didn’t plan this. I didn’t plan any of this. You weren’t supposed to come, and I wasn’t supposed to still care. But there you are, standing in this creepy forest with your stupid, wonderful face, and I’m trying not to cry while telling you I love you and also that I may have accidentally burnt down the government’s witch d...
2025-07-25 21:14:50 +0000 UTC
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We were having a lovely, quiet moment. It was peaceful. It was nice. And then my brain went, “Wait, are you bored? Is this boring? AM I BORING?” and suddenly I was spiralling and saying weird things about lobsters and now you’re wearing my hoodie and I think I might be your girlfriend? Which is fine. Totally fine. Complet...
2025-07-25 21:14:48 +0000 UTC
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