Meredith

when suffering comes.

"your suffering is not despair, but desire. desire to meet the divine within you.

you are alive and well dear one, under the chaos.

you are alive and in love with your beating heart.

when suffering comes, know that it is your own self love that you are lonely for.

let yourself be wise to the needs that lurk behind the...

i am breath.

underwater

i’ve been getting in the river every single day for the month of june. i plan on getting in every day for the entire summer. my two daily rituals are meditating and getting in the water. every day. and every fucking day is the most glorious day to be alive. so thankful.

these are all photos from today

random images from around the house in may

georgina and i

i was green and now i am only pink

photos from may 8th, words from a while ago.

it’s wild to see the places i can come from and go to within just a few months.

green hues

pink blush.

green stems

pink petals.

from green in the cheeks

to pink in the collarbones.

from living, thinking, breathing in all the green...

"I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you"

‘sometimes i see so much beauty, i don’t think that i can cope’

florence and the machines new album “dance fever” is the most i’ve related to an album in a long time. but maybe that’s just because i’ve been getting back into music in a way i was 7 years ago. but so many of the songs are about ‘dancing with anxiety’ as she would say. which i think is exactly why it’s so relatable for me. the e...

dancing alone

dancing alone

i’m reminded of myself

my freedom

my lust

and my anguish.

dancing alone

i am reminded of movement and how i love it all. them all. us all. every part of existence.

dancing alone

i am reminded to look at myself, stare her in the mirror, allow the tears,

an...

a flower day / sunday afternoon

constantly torn

5/18/2022

constantly torn.

between myself

and between ourself.

between constant movement and growth of my own being and aliveness

and our constant shifting and learning and growth of our relationship.

i want to be out of the house,

i want to be making

and...

growing brighter

an evening alone in seattle

always here

mother’s day

it’s mother’s day and i am insanely sad. i just woke up and am so tired from working a double yesterday and today i’ll go into work and won’t see nalcoah today. but let’s feel it right? let’s let the tears come, let’s let the throat choke. let’s feel sunk into the mattress.

iam so sad and let’s feel it.

<...

dreary

expired film in black and white

disposable camera flash and no flash

a morning in hara part 2

same morning, different film🖤

kitchen table

so giddy about how this roll of expired film looks. i especially love the way my nipple piercing looks in the silhouette in the second photo 🤍

some notes from the morning of april 15th

sitting in blue lit bubbles from the blue of the sky filling the room before the sunlight comes in.

faded fogged windows.

soft blue skin.

breasts that droop down my ribs and graze the water.

towels that swoosh and swirl into each other.

fresh new buds almost touching the window.

i get out. i drip all over the ...

i create it

i decide.

i create it.

i decide.

i am creating my dream life.

slowly… but slowly!

and that dream life is basically just community,

friendships,

to be with people.

to sit IN life with them.

it’s taking time,

years.

and really,

really what it took, what it takes,

is ...

breathe

the more i meditate the more i become aware of just how sacred our breath is. the more i am called into the moment with my breath, the more i realize that’s all there really is. the more i am able to become aware of my breath, the more i realize how much life is living inside me. how simple and delicate that life is. life is all in a breath. i...

am i just the same now as i was at 4?

I’ve been spending a lot of my days recently thinking about myself when I was 4 and 5 and 6.

My only memories of that time seem to be either beautiful; immersed in nature - mud, water, tall grasses, and immersed in imagination.

Or, immersed in anxiety, specifically existential anxiety. I went to a christian elementary school an...

i do not end at my edges

know me!

know me!

i want to scream into the abyss,

i scream into my mind!

i scream for them all to hear.

i feel my body, the walls of me,

and i know i am not just my body,

but i am everywhere,

everything.

when i think and i wonder if someone can hear me,

it’s because they can hear me,...

meditate. masturbate.

meditate,

masturbate.

meditate,

masturbate.

meditate….

or masturbate?

how about both?

masturbating helps me come into my body,

and meditating helps me come into my body.

and when i join them together

(which often it is so hard to do that, because my brain still conflates sexual satisf...

home alone and it feels so good

i will feed it to them

laying in bed

woke up at 4,

now it’s 5:30.

stuffy nose,

the most content i’ve ever been.

laying in bed

went to sleep at 8:30

woke up to write

to process.

where i am,

who i am.

i am learning,

i am healing.

i feel more loved than i have ever felt

because i feel...

notice me, notice us, notice her.

not sure.

but compassion, empathy and love.

not sure.

but being willing, present and open.

not sure.

but here, with myself.

here intertwined with nalcoah.

always wishing there was a way to photograph how our bodies sleep and rest together.

wishing there was a way to capture her and i, in this momen...

growing pains

i am so tired.

i don’t know if i can do this.

i don’t know if i want to.

i look back on the agony i was in the last few days of january, where i wrote

“…i would do anything. i would… and never complain about sexism again if i could have him back…”

and god does that make me feel silly.

wow, i fuck...